It seems straightforward enough...

Inky: Christa, do you ever stop being hungry?
Christa: Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It depends.
Inky: Depends on what?
Christa: On whether I'm hungry or not.

"We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade, the presence of God."

[Life's Soundtrack - Ep. 02: By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North]

Confessions

I.

I have no words for you. Syllables, yes; I have many of those, but my pen will put none of them together into words. This stream of nonsense is all I can offer.

II.

I think I met you today, right when I didn't want to. I was angry, you see, at another piece of clay - or so I thought until I looked up and found myself spitting in your face. I needed you so badly, longed to be found by you, but I hated you for finding me in my neediness.

I am ablaze with contradictions.

III.

After I spat in your face, I ran away down the road from my house. I thought I could rebel by going where I've been told it isn't safe to go alone. I even left my mobile at home, but I couldn't leave you.

Some rebellion.

IV.

I cried out to you and you gave me only stillness for an answer. So I cried out again, this time against you, and again there came only quiet. I wondered that you did not justify yourself. Then I realized it was I who stood accused.

Your mercy knew no limits, and I was at once ashamed and absolved.

V.

Once, I wrestled with knowing whether I truly desired you or just wore my desire for you to stave off the guilt of wanting Other Things more. Then you took my guilt away. Now I know the smallness of my Wantings could not have masked the depths of those guilt-rivers, much less taken them away.

VI.

I long to feel your hand leading me, to cling to it as solidly as ever I clung to Papa's. Yet even with that longing, I know that ever you hold me. Calvin comes and gives me hugs - lovely, warm little-brother hugs, and you are good but it isn't the same. Sometimes he mumbles funny little endearments to accompany the affectionate squeeze, but your Word is my lamp.

VII.

Is there ever a moment when at the root of all my fumblings there is not some trace of a desire to see your face? There are faces all around me - funny, beautiful things with speckled eyes and crooked smiles, and oh! you are so very good, but it isn't the same.

VIII.

Sometimes I think my heart will explode from the abundance of longing - and then I think, no, it will explode because it does not desire you enough. Perhaps when filling oneself with water from an inexhaustible well in answer to an undying thirst, these become the same.

IX.

Your presence is like the oxygen I breathe, running throughout every cell of my body and every part of the fabric of my existence. To know this is to wonder. And behind your ever-presence is your unquenchable, unfathomable, unconditional love, moving you like the tide moves an ocean.

To know this is both to wonder and to weep.

X.

And what am I? What questions do I have that will not drop away as less than dust when your face is revealed to me at last? What desires are in me that cannot be eternally quenched by you? What dissatisfaction can I find within me that does not spring from the knowledge that to be satisfied is to be near you? Where shall I flee from your presence, or be hidden from your Spirit? What fraction of a fraction of a second have I existed that was not filled with your presence, sustained by your mercy, bound together with your love?

XI.

Where is my expectation - my hope - my assurance - my comfort - my nourishment - my existence - if it is not to be found in you? Surely there is no cry of my soul that any but you might answer. Surely everything that I hunger for and seek after is you, and surely in none but you will I find satisfaction.

XII.

My life is yours, and yours to do with as you purpose. I trust in your unfailing love.

"Christianity's not about having a bunch of right answers to the questions. It's about encountering a person named Jesus."

But don't you know who you are,
What has been done to you?
Don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you make
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create -
You've been remade.

101st post! I thought someone else's words were more deserving of this auspicious place than my own. (Mike gave this talk almost word-for-word at the concert I attended... when he says something about still recovering at the beginning, that's in reference to being in the Christian school system. I hope the related song - which was excellent too; lyrics above - is on the new album. ^_^)

"When I bow to God, God stoops to me."

I wasn't going to write a post for every Tenth Avenue North song, and I'm still not trying to, but I was listening to Lift Us Up To Fall on Sunday afternoon and several images popped into my head. So I'm linking y'all to a Youtube video with the song - 'tisn't going to be on the actual playlist. This is just something that may or may not develop into a complete album-series. If I do actually make it through all the songs, I may have to try the same with an Andrew or Bebo or Fernando album. We'll see.

LIFT US UP TO FALL - Four Images

1. Mind-games. Most people have experienced or at least witnessed the wonder that is the drop-it game. If you haven't, try standing by the highchair of a not-quite baby, not-quite toddler. Wait for something to inevitably fall from the tray to the ground. It may be a sippy-cup, pacifier, blanket, spit-up rag, what-have-you--something non-breakable and (usually) non-edible. When the item hits the floor the first time, you grin a little and think "aww, poor (cute!) baby" and pick it up and give it back. But it goes over the edge again - and again - and again - and after the fifteenth time picking it up you begin to think "cute kid? he's manipulating me!" Fifty falls later, your spin begins to cramp, and so you decide to walk away. One step from the highchair and he begins to howl. You feel like a jerk.

No, this doesn't have any spiritual implications regarding our relationship to God - or at least no positive ones. Maybe we are all little, manipulated children clamouring for attention and throwing stuff around for God to pick it up. I like to think God wouldn't be fooled by that, that he is able to tell between those who sincerely seek Him and those who just want stuff (the Bible likes to think this as well). So this isn't really analogous to anything - it's just what I think of when I hear and lift us up to fall... Big, pleading blue eyes with a spark of malicious glee, waiting for me to pick up that spit-up rag for the gajillionth time.

Moving on...

2. My Sin. Paul describes the continual tripping-up of the flesh in Romans 6. When I hear this song, I can't help but think of the many times even daily that God takes me into his arms and lovingly affirms his promises for me, only for me to respond with betrayal and sin. Though I don't think this is the focus of the song, it works. God is strong to lift us up, and has done so in a powerful, eternally-changing way. At the same time as God sees the work of Christ in me perfected forever, I have a much more finite point of view. God sees that Christ has paid; I am still seeing why Christ had to pay in the first place. Andrew Peterson knows this well when he sings: I'm weak and weary of breaking His heart with the cycle of my sin. Still, he turns his face to me and I kiss it just to betray him once again." But the cycle of our sin does not continue forever. The song continues: Amen, Come Lord Jesus. One day, Christ will come and lift us up into heaven, and we will fall on our faces before him with a holy adoration that is wholly adoration, not streaked with shame or sorrow or guilt.

3. Mercy. My knees are shaking under the weight of my body. My head is light, and yet hangs heavy, sagging below my shoulders. I deserve to die; I know it. Any moment now I will hear the words Take her away! ridden with righteous anger and condemnation. I do not merit even a pleading glance in His direction.

Then He speaks.

"Take her away," He says. There is no anger in His voice. I half-look up, then catch myself. I dare not hope... "Take her away, and dress her in the finest of robes. She shall dine with me tonight. Her sins are pardoned." I cannot believe it--I, a murderer, an adulteress, a thief, I who spat in His face when first He offered me love and security--it is too much to bear or think that I have been pardoned, and yet He adds more! Garments--food--His own company...!

I think my heart will explode. He has exalted me, raised me from my shame, and I can stand before Him no longer. I throw myself to the ground at His feet.

4. Ministry. This essentially comes from the line in the song: You send the rain and life begins, so rain on us and reign within our lives again.

When I focused on that line I realized: isn't that how the Gospel works? We are lifted up, receive life-bringing rain from the hands of our Savior, and then given the commission to carry this life to the entire world. So lift us up to fall - raise us in Your life so that our joyful proclamations of that life may fall like the rain that gives life to dead seed upon a world of deadened hearts that thirst for Christ, the one whose rain and reign in us both enables and sustains the ministry of His body.

Draw us near, heal these broken hearts, and lift us up to fall

Before everything you are.

An Inky Book Review: North! Or Be Eaten

“Hearing Oskar call him and his siblings ‘the stuff of legends’ gave Janner goose bumps, but it also gave him a shiver in his stomach. He had read enough stories to know that legends became so by great suffering and great feats. Janner didn’t want to suffer, and he wasn’t sure he was brave enough or smart enough to accomplish anything legendary. ... [He] shook his head at the wonder of it.”

-North! Or Be Eaten, Chapter 28: “O Anyara!”

By Way Of Introducing

Every now and again, my youngest brother Calvin (8) invites me to ‘play outside’ with him. Usually we go for a walk, hunt for skinks, or perform some similar venture requiring nothing but a stick or two and a wealth of imagination. These times are immensely precious and endearing. Long will I treasure in my memory the winding, lilting conversations, or when Calvin breaks into a period of silence with a dreamy statement of “I like our family; don’t you?” We are always building stories together—stories about the neighbors’ horses, about dragonflies meeting the evil wasps in battle. There are many speculations to be made—the smallest llama of the pack that surely has the greatest spitting-range of the lot. And then there are the millions of wee, childlike fantasies beginning with “Wouldn’t it be cool if…?” These moments of seeing the world through a child’s eyes and really almost being a child again myself are the moments worth remembering, for they are the moments when God paints his world with the boldest and most beautiful colours of grace and my mind’s eye is free to behold with wonder.

All that digression is to say, if walks with my youngest brother were books, they’d be Andrew Peterson’s Wingfeather Saga. As a fan of Andrew Peterson, this comes as a reaffirmation of what I’ve known (and been delighted by) since Track 4 of his Far Country album: Andrew’s little boy heart is most definitely still alive (the song’s name is “Little Boy Heart Alive,” by the way). Everything I’ve come to appreciate and expect of Messr. Peterson—which is quite a bit—was met and surpassed in these books. The language is striking and poetic (no surprise to anyone who’s paid an ounce of attention to his song lyrics), the story is simple enough to be beautiful and complex enough to be engaging (sort of like the Gospel content in his songs), and did I mention? The ‘scope of this man’s imagination seems to know no limits. When it comes to personalities and creatures, you never know what you’ll meet around the next bend in this story (think Narnia meets Milne's Winnie-ther-Pooh). The only thing you know for certain is that you’ve never seen the likes of it before…

Who Is Andrew Peterson?

Andrew Peterson is the author of On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, Book One in the Wingfeather Saga, and The Ballad of Matthew’s Begats. He’s also the critically-acclaimed singer-songwriter and recording artist of ten albums, including Resurrection Letters II. He and his wife, Jamie, live with their two sons and one daughter in a little house they call The Warren near Nashville, Tennessee. Visit his websites: www.andrew-peterson.com and www.rabbitroom.com

What Is The Story?

Without giving away too much of the plot (hopefully), the general idea of the story is as follows. On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness (Book 1 of the Saga) tells the tale of Janner Igiby, a young Skreean lad with an imagination which is beginning to stretch past the boundaries of his family’s little cottage in Glipwood. His thirst for adventure and desire to find out more about his past lead Janner, his brother Tink, and his sister Leeli through a series of trials and adventures. Dark Sea culminates with the revelation that they’re not just ordinary children, but the stuff of legends, heirs to a kingdom across the sea.

In North! Or Be Eaten (Book 2), the story continues to center around Janner. The Igiby children quickly discover that being the stuff of legends basically means that ‘most everybody good has forgotten you and ‘most everybody bad wants to kill you. Thus, they are forced to flee Glipwood Town and their childhood world. Their escape brings readers to the very brink of Fingap Falls, over the Stony Mountains, and across the Ice Prairies, while villains galore try to stop the Igibys permanently. Fearsome toothy cows and horned hounds return, along with new dangers: a mad man running a fork factory (woe!), a den of rockroaches, and majestic talking sea dragons (quite possibly the best literary rendering of dragons ever, I think).

Repent! Or Be Eaten (Not Really, But Yeah)

In one sense, North! isn’t obviously written by a Christian. There is nothing overtly Christian or moralizing about the tale. It takes place in another world, and while the family serves ‘the Maker’ there are no references to Christ or God’s Word. At the same time, in another sense, the author is obviously a Christian because the story resounds with the Christian imagination. The themes and movement of the story just make sense to a Christian mind. Yes, the style and plot are creative and exciting, but they’re also familiar because they come from a well of Christian suppositions and Christ-centered thinking.

For instance, in the first book the evil from the broader world has to be brought to light in the semi-idyllic lifestyle of the Igibys. There’s a brilliant scene where Janner is enjoying the happy scene of a festival, until the well-placed remark of an elder opens his eyes to the falseness of this happiness. Janner has grown up happy and content, but only because his eyes have been stopped to the misery and joylessness of the existence of those around him. Once his eyes are opened, he and his family are unable to live in complacency towards the evil around them any longer. This progression is easily related to the Christian life: it’s easy to build a cocoon around ourselves and pretend that there isn’t a war raging over our heads, but sooner or later we must don our armour and step into the battle.

North! Or Be Eaten further explores the nature of that battle. Igiby children leavethe world which they had previously (in Dark Sea) only observed passively as it invaded their cocoon. As they battle the evil in the broader world, they discover more and more the struggle they face to pursue their callings in a Maker-honoring fashion rather than as a means of paying homage to Self. Suddenly, Janner has the responsibility of a legend on his shoulders. At the same time, he’s finding that the responsibility given him long before he discovered his heirship hasn’t gone anywhere, and proves to be the hardest of all to carry. This responsibility is perhaps more legendary than inheriting a kingdom: ‘love one another.’ This is easily understood in the Christian context as well: battling principalities and powers at work within our culture, all the while keenly aware of the battle for our own souls that takes place internally.

Another highly understandable theme is the triumph of good over evil. Darkness is not treated flippantly, but even when it gets awfully dark its conquest is never quite complete. There is also the conflict between hope and despair. Of course, hope reigns strong in a beautiful way, and there are even splashes of humor throughout the darkest of situations.

(Just as a disclaimer, the resounding Christianity throughout the book really is more of the total picture and definitely not restricted to a few specific ideas conjured by my own dubious brain. There are certainly specifics to be ‘logicked’ out of the plot, but I don’t want the idea of the totality of it obscured by my paltry specifics. It really is like being in a fictional place full of strange things one has never seen or heard of before—and yet finding yourself at home. That’s as best as I can describe it.)

By Way Of Concluding

If you haven't read Dark Sea or North!, do. The story is beautiful and engaging, and you'll have tons of fun. You’ll learn about Toothy Cows, Thwaps, Totatoes, the Fangs of Dang, and many other creatures and persons with delightfully odd names. But there’s more—there’s courage and laughter, sorrow and pain, hatred and darkness, and a whole lot of love. In an immensely fun way, North! Or Be Eaten portrays a world painted with the grace of God in wondrously bright colours. The ‘little boy heart alive’ of the story combined with a simple yet intricately-woven Christ-likeness turn a fun, lively fantasy tale into a bright gem of literature that can be understood and appreciated at many levels.

Oh - and be sure to watch those footnotes.

N.B.: Andrew Peterson’s bio, as well as portions of the book synopsis, were given me by the publicist and therefore are not actual inventions of my own. The same goes for the artwork and quote.